Vicovi

[Aule@]

Scena: Kajmakčalan. Bitka: blato, krv, kiša, vetar, glad...Jedna četa srpske vojske zauzela neku isturenu čuku. Stiglonaređenje da se čuka sačuva po svaku cenu. Ali, švabo navalio,okružio čuku sa tri strane, a nestalo municije i provijanta,nije bilo načina da se opstane više tako. Kapetan reši da četanapravi proboj kroz usko grlo koje švabo još nije zauzeo,da se dočepa municije, pa da se nekako vrate i zadrže čukudo daljeg.Ali, neko mora da ostane...- Cigo!- Izvoli, gos'n kapetane!- Ja sa četom idem po municiju i hranu, a tvoj zadatak je da sačuvaš čuku kako znaš i umeš. Evo ti šlem i tri bombe, nema više, pa gledaj šta ćeš!- JOJ, GOS'N KAPETANE, KAKO ĆU JA...- Tišina! To je sve što je ostalo, evo tri bombe, evo ti šlem...- Aj' pa gos'n kapetane, ako je već tako, bolje da mi ostaviš jednu bombu i tri šlema!- Jes' ti poludeo, Cigo? šta ti pada na pamet?!!- Il' tako il' nikako!- ..Pa dobro, budalo jedna, evo ti, pa se snađi.I krene četa u proboj kroz koridor švapske vatre.... ...Tri dana kasnije, vraća se ostatak čete na čuku. Kad, imajušta da vide: na jednoj strani gomila oružja, nabacana na kamaru.Pored, hrpa nemačkih uniformi i čizama. Na drugoj strani,gomila švapskih vojnika cvokoće bosa i u gaćama. U sredini,sedi Ciga, pred njim tri šlema:- Ajmo, braćo Nemci, poslednji pokušaj: pod kojim šlemom je bomba?

[Šumejker-Levi 9]

Stari, ali dobar:- Mama, da li mogu da izađem da se igram sa decom?- Naravno da možeš. Samo uzgred da ti kažem: to što ja živim sa tvojim tatom ne znači da moraš da me zoveš mama.- Dobro, a kako onda da te zovem?- Pa, kao i svi ostali, čika Rade.

[Joe D]

Koja je razlika između Tošea i Ninoa?-2 meseca

Precuo si. 2 dana.

[eye of the beholder]

U školi bontona i lepog ponašanja:- Paolo, udvaraš se jednoj mladoj devojci, iz dobre porodice, koja je veoma lepo vaspitana, za vreme romantične večere.Odjednom, moraš da odeš do kupatila.šta bi joj rekao?- Sačekaj me sekund, idem da pišam.- Ovo bi bilo vrlo prosto i nekulturno sa tvoje strane.Simone, šta bi ti rekao?- Izvini, moram da odem do toaleta, odmah se vraćam.- Ovo je već mnogo bolje, ali nikako nije lepo pominjati toalet za vreme obroka.A ti, Giovanni, da li bi ti bio u stanju da upotrebiš svoju inteligenciju da pokažeš svoje dobre manire?- Ja bih rekao: Izvinjavam se što moram da se udaljim na trenutak, draga moja, idem da pružim ruku jednom bliskom prijatelju, sa kojim ću, nadam se, imati prilike da vas upoznam posle večere.

[eye of the beholder]

Ulazi pilot u putnicku kabinu aviona i obraca se putnicima:''Postovani putnici, jedan motor nam je crkao, a drugi radi na 30%. Vec smo poizbacivali sav teret, ali to nije dovoljno. Da sretno sletimo na najblizi aerodrom cemo morati zrtvovati dio putnika. Necemo nikoga diskriminirati na osnovi boje koze, nacionalne pripadnosti ili sexualne orijentacije. Stoga moramo biti pravedni i ici prema abecedi. Prema izlaznim vratima neka se odmah upute: arapi, bisexualci, cigani, crnci, zatim slijede homosexualci...''

[nisam ja]

za mene svezzi o plavojkama:zashto plavushe dobro pushe?imaju vakuum u glavi.plavusha u kvizu odgovara na pitanje:2+2?p: 3publika: dajte joj josh jednu shansu!plavusha dobije shansu2+2?p: 5publika: dajte joj josh jednu shansu!plavusha dobije shansu2+2?p: 4plavusha iz publike: dajte joj josh jednu shansu!

[sarište]

ovo je jedan crnjak... malo je rano, al moram da ga podelim sa vama...Dolzi Toše Proeski da kupi kola, i kaže mu prodavac:-E,uzmi ovaj Tuarego i Bog da te vidi...(ako nije baš pristojan, neka se obriše)

[Šumejker-Levi 9]

ovo je jedan crnjak... malo je rano, al moram da ga podelim sa vama...Dolzi Toše Proeski da kupi kola, i kaže mu prodavac:-E,uzmi ovaj Tuarego i Bog da te vidi...(ako nije baš pristojan, neka se obriše)

Ovaj, Sarište draga, pogledaj malo ranije.

[sarište]

Ovaj, Sarište draga, pogledaj malo ranije.

hvala šumi, nijesam videla!

[Mimix]

Od nepoznatog ekonomskog analiticara:Economic models explained with cows SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count Them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

[sarište]

Jedan crnjak!Dva ortaka se napila.i videli se sledećeg dana. kaže jedan drugom:-Noćas sam se prugom vraćao kući!Jao, što j#bo jednu dobru ribu!Kaže mu drugi:-I jel ti p#šila!Na to će drugi:-Nisam mogao da joj nađem glavu!

[GRIFF]

Došao ciga kod ciganke i s vrata krene u priču:- Aj de da mi popušiš!- Marš bre gle kako si prljav!- Ajde daću ti mobilni...- Mobilni? Pa dobro onda može!Odradi ciganka posao, ciga sav srećan zakopčava se kreće napolje a ciganka kaže:- Ej, di si ti poš'o, jesi reko mobilni ćeš da mi daš???tek će ciga:.-A, da piši 063...xe, sad skontao da je ovo već bilo...

Edited April 13, 2008 by GRIFF

[GRIFF]

Došao piroćanac u prodavnicu i kaže:- Daćete mi čevtrt starog hleba i ako vam nije teško zamotajte mi to u današnje novine...

[Tinman]

Irish Disaster -24/11/99Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessnaplane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irishsearch and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect thatnumber to climb as digging continues into the night.

[sarište]

Pričali muž i žena.žena zvoca mužu:-Pa ti svaki dan piješ i trošiš po 50 evra dnevno?Muž:-Ti isto toliko trošiš na šminku!-Pa ja hoću da ti budem lepa!Na to će muž:-Pa i ja pijem da bi mi bila lepa!