Vicovi

[JozoMujica]

The perfect day according to: HER *** 8:45 wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 Pounds lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at Outdoor Cafe? 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into Boyfriend?s/Husband?s ex - notice she?s gained 30 lbs. 3:00 Manicure, Facial, Massage, Nap. 7:30 Candlelight dinner for 2 and dancing. 10:00 Make Slow, sweet, romantic love. 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms. HIM *** 10:00 Wake up 10:02 Oral Sex 10:10 Big Breakfast 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe 2:15 Enormous lunch 3:15 Oral sex 3:25 Play sports with the guys 4:30 Drink Beer with the guys 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer 6:40 Oral sex 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex 11:10 sleep.

[JozoMujica]

Gender roles at the job How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE) 1. The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man. The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career. 2. HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man. HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain 3. HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping. 4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting. SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladie's room. 5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers. SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping. 6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up. SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair. 7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll prove his performance. The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset. 8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry? SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry? 9. HE's getting married. He'll get more settled. SHE's getting married. She'll get pregnant and leave. 10. HE's having a baby. He'll need a raise. SHE's having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits. 11. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career. SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say? 12. HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognise a good opportunity. SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.

Edited October 24, 2008 by gotivac

[JozoMujica]

Question: What is the true definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana?s death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates?s technology, and you?re probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal?.. That, my friend, is Globalization!

[Waldorf]

ЦРВЕНКАПАИде Црвенкапа бициклом кроз шуму, кад одједном – пуче педала! Црвенкапа повика:– Вуче, вуче, упомоћ, пропаде бајка!Дотрчи вук са швајс-апаратом, завари педалу, и Црвенкапа задовољно настави вожњу. Међутим, мало потом – пукне и друга педала. Црвенкапа ће опет:– Вуче, вучеее! Брзо овамо, пропаде бајка!Опет дотрчи вук са швајс-апаратом, па завари и другу педалу. али, после неког времена Црвенкапи пукне гувернала.– Вуче, брзо поправљај, пропаде бајка!Вук, већ увелико изнервиран, дотрчи, завари, баци швајс-апарат, оде пречицом кроз шуму и поједе бабу. Утом долази Црвенкапа:– Бако, бако, зашто су ти руке тако велике и маљаве?– Да те боље загрлим, злато бакино.– Бако, бако, зашто су ти уши тако велике и клемпаве?– Да те боље чујем, злато бакино!– Бако, бако, зашто су ти очи тако велике и црвене?– Па и твоје би биле да си варила цео дан к’о ја!!!

[ordi]

ide lovac sumom i ulovi zlatnog kuvara kuvar kaze lovcu: pusti me, pusti me, ispunicu ti tri paprike

[eye of the beholder]

ševe se Mujo i Fata već tri sata, ali niko da svrši.Legne Mujo sa strane, zapali cigaretu, uzdahne i kaže:"šta je Fato, bona, ni ti se nikog nemoš sjetit??"

[saveznik]

zena prodaje jaja Mlada seljanka prodaje jaja na pijaci. Ostali prodaju jaje po 5 din, ali ona po 10 din. Vreme prolazi a ona nije prodala nijedno. Njeni joj govore: "Daj zeno spusti cenu neces uspeti da ih prodas", a ona njima "Cu da sacekam, nigdi ne zurim". Vreme se natmurilo kao da ce kisa, njeni joj opet govore: "Daj zeno spusti cenu ...", a ona njima opet: "Cu da sacekam, nigdi ne zurim". Svi su vec digli ruke od nje, kad predvece prilazi joj jedan gospodin i rece joj: "Treba mi 200 jaja ne pitam sta kosta, ali trebalo bi da mi pomognes da odnesem u svoj stan", a ona njemu odgovara: "Nema problema nigdi ne zurim". Unesose oni jaja u stan, kad je gospodin upita: "Da li bi sacekala da spremim neko jelo pa da zajedno jedemo, sigurno si gladna?", ona njemu uobicajeno: "Cu da sacekam, nigdi ne zurim". Pojeli su, kad opet ce gospodin: "Da li bi sacekala da skuvam kafu?", ona opet njemu uobicajeno: "Cu da sacekam, nigdi ne zurim". Popili oni kafu, kad ce gospodin opet: "Da li bi sa mnom u spavacu sobu, imam nesto vazno da ti kazem, znam da si u zurbi?", ona njemu po ko zna koji put: "Cu da sacekam, nigdi ne zurim". Obavili oni to ... kad se mlada seljanka poce slatko smejati: "Ala ce se moji sutra na pijaci pojesti od muke, kada im budem pricala ... em sam prodala sva jaja po ceni koju sam trazila, jela, pila i tri puta se "kresnula" ... gospodin brze-bolje da je ispravi kaze: "Samo jednom ...", a ona opet ono njeno: "Cu da sacekam, nigdi ne zurim..."

Edited November 1, 2008 by saveznik

[Aleksija]

[Nicol]

- Zašto žene imaju PMS?- ZATO!!!!!!!!

[Eidyia]

:D

[eye of the beholder]

Vracaju se tri kanibala sa simpozijuma na temu "Najukusniji direktor" i komentarisu. Prvi: Hej, ljudi ja sam dobio direktora iz Bijafre, sto je nikakav... neukusan, sama kost i koza! Drugi: Ma, pusti, meni je zapao direktor iz Nemacke, a on ugojen, mastaaan...jos nisam uspeo da ga svarim. Fuj! Treci: Meni je bilo super! Dobio sam direktora iz Srbije. Krenem ti ja od glave. A tamo...uzivancija, putera koliko volis. Silazim niz ledja a ono divota, samo meso, nigde kosti... Beskicmenjak! Kad sam stigao do dupeta, mljac, necete verovati: Tamo jos trojica!!!

[angern]

Dosli Mujo i Haso u goste kod Pape u Vatikan.Papa je ljubazan, iznosi im vino. Pita ga Mujo:- Sta je ovo?- To je Isusova krv.- Ajooj, pa nisi ga zbog nas trebao klati..

Edited November 9, 2008 by angern

[ion]

Šta je to: Telo zmaja, glava samuraja?

Edited November 14, 2008 by ion

[Pikoleta]

sretne vuk crvenkapicu u sumi i pita je:hoces li mi dati bakinu adresu?hocu, kako necu, veselo odgovara crvenkapica:[email protected]

[Nicol]

Kako glasi epitaf hipohondra?A lipo sam vam govorio...